satire stories

An Interview with Dave Holwill- Author of Weekend Rockstars

SMXLL

My guest today is a fellow humorist Dave Holwill, author of Weekend Rockstars and The Craft room both of which have five stars reviews.

He is a man of many musical talents and is working on his third novel which sounds as humorous as the first two.

Read on and enjoy…

Question 1 :-Well Dave it looks like we’re heading for a nuclear apocalypse how would you spend the final days?

I actually wrote my last blog post on this very subject – it was meant to be serious for once, but there’s still a few gags. http://davedoesntwriteanythingever.blogspot.co.uk/2017/09/when-four-minute-warning-comes-knocking.html

Of course, that was if we only had four minutes – like they used to say when I was a kid in the 80s – if we’ve got a few days warning then I will definitely have time to track down some of the fun drugs that you can’t take ‘because they kill you’ and get proper stinking out of my head for a bit. There would definitely be as much time being outdoors and drunk in charge of a pair of walking legs as one can feasibly fit in. Not much worrying, because what can you do hey?

I would also take up smoking properly again and live on chips dunked in tartare sauce.

I am more a mayonnaise woman but I could manage a whiff of tartare if pushed…

Question 2 :- When it comes to writing what are the excuses you use not to sit down and write?

I’ve never needed an excuse not to do anything, I’m a lazy bastard by nature. Admitting it is the first step, and making excuses for yourself is pointless. Own your laziness, admit you give literally no fucks about it and enjoy. Things that tend to stop me sitting down and writing are the army of pets I live with who leap up and sit on my arms every time I turn on a computer, the TV, the radio, the big pile of books on the to-read pile, Dartmoor waving at me through the window to go and walk all over it and the call of the pub. All of these are categorised as research and inspiration however, and are therefore not excuses, and definitely still classed as work.

Your answer Dave, works on many levels- thank-you.

Question 3 :- What teacher inspired you a):-laugh in the face of adversity, B) hide in the face of adversity c) or just how to spell it properly?

a) My fifth form Maths teacher, Mr Durrant, whose inability to control a class full of bored teenagers was legendary. I learned nothing in his lessons, I laughed a lot with the other members of the class who were also doing nothing (though it turned out they all learned how to do Maths at the same time) and then discovered adversity when the exams turned up and I had to learn Maths in two weeks. I am forever in debt to my friend Michelle who taught me

algebra at the speed of sound – having let me spend the two previous years copying her work rather than doing any.

b) Mugsy – the infamous woodwork teacher who used to throw bits of wood at unruly pupils, stab them with pencils to demonstrate how sharp they were and various other examples of the kind of violence with geometry sets that you can only get away with, and were at the time both approved of and encouraged by the fee paying parents, in the British private school system. Hiding was your only option there, it didn’t work though, he always found you in the end. And then hit you with a length of two by four.

c) I never needed anyone else to teach me how to spell it properly. Antidisestablishmentarianism is a very long word, how do you spell it? I T – just the two letters (and my favourite joke from primary school, thanks for letting it back out again).

My pleasure Dave and your teacher stories rang a familiar bell …

Question 4 :- What school friend inspired A) you to something bad, b) do something good and, c) give up on the human race (momentarily)

a) I am pretty sure that I was the school friend who inspired others to do bad things, but my friend Paddy and I got up to so much bad stuff it was impossible to decide which of us was the instigator by the end. Most of it would incriminate me (and him) too much now and lead to the end of a promising career (his, obviously, I’m under no illusions about my own career’s lack of promise), so I’m saying nothing. We never got up to anything as batshit crazy as running through fields of wheat, but I do recall having a German Shepherd (the dog, not an angry man with a stick in lederhosen) set on us for shortcutting through a field (no wheat) and local rumour had it that the guy who owned it would shoot at you with his rifle if he saw you. We definitely heard a bang. Although in retrospect, there was a building site right next to it at the time.

b) I have never done anything good. If I did it would have been under duress from somebody bigger than me. I’m not terribly susceptible to influences from others anyway, and I am most likely to do the exact opposite of whatever somebody suggests – I may have been tricked into helping people this way at some point, I would not know, I’m not bright enough to know when I’m being played.

c) I have faith that humanity is basically good, I can never give up on it, even momentarily. I realise this is naïve, but the day I relinquish this belief is the day everything goes to shit. I went to school with some awfully rich, awfully entitled, awfully awful people though, and I fervently believe that they have changed, and are now fighting for the little guys and paying their lackeys well over the living wage. Despite the weight of evidence to the contrary.

Dave you are a man of opposing thoughts maybe that what makes you work worthy of five star reviews?

Question 5:- Name three celebrities who get on your tits, wick or something similar?

I don’t really follow celebrity culture, and if I do feel something is getting on my tits/wick/something similar I tend to turn it off and stop watching/listening – it’s what keeps me sane (and ensure that that faith in humanity remains unshaken). Try it, you’ll be happier.

However, celebrities I no longer pay attention to include:

The lovely Kylie Minogue, who I adored for years and years, right up until she released her own range of soft furnishings and I realised she was just another money-grabbing attention seeker. I still hope to meet her and be persuaded otherwise though, I’d like it to have just been bad advice – or a retirement plan.

Morissey – seriously Mozza, what happened to you? How soon is NO. He has dropped into the category of people whose music I still love and listen to regularly, but who I steadfastly ignore if they try and say anything about reality – along with Ted Nugent and Phil Collins: except that I can’t stand Phil Collins’ music.

Daniel Bedingfield – this is a long held and irrational grudge that extends back into the past and includes his sister Natasha (some of whose songs I really liked for some reason). I forget why now, just as history has forgotten the both of them. The wheel keeps on turning…

Morissey and Kylie -say no more

Question 6 :- Pick the perfect method for torturing people who interrupt you when you are talking.

Let them finish. Usually they were just trying to be rude and will immediately lose their thread before hanging themselves with it. Om Mani Padme Hummmmm…

I could say great advice which of course leads us nicely to the next question…

Question 7 :- What is the most useless, waste of space advice you have been given?

Don’t give up on your dreams, every day is a blessing, if you try hard enough you can achieve anything etc. etc. basically anything that gets written on a picture of a rainbow and memed all over the interwebs. Oh, and don’t eat the yellow snow, do it, it’s delicious.

Question 8 :- You’re God for a day what changes would you make to this planet of ours?

Sadly as an atheist I firmly believe there is no God, thus your argument ensures that I no longer exist at the very second I become a god. Which is kind of a downer.

Of course if I am wrong then that means I can sort out unlimited, non-polluting power sources, an end to inequality and Bears and Tigers being cuddly enough to live with. Which would be great.

Question 9:- How about devil for a day then?

See above.

Without God there can be no devil, so again I disappear in a wink of logic.

Of course, if that’s not true then I could make sure that all Televisions and associated viewing devices no longer show anything other than repeats of Thundercats forever, and everybody has their own fully orchestrated incidental music that follows them about wherever they go.

 I love the idea of music following you around AND Thundercats. There would be less depression, less fighting and way more dancing. 

Question 10 :- What sort of comedy do you find not funny?

Any joke that you have to look around to check who’s in the room before you can tell it. Other than that, I’m into most of it – I even laugh at Shakespeare (possibly not in the right places though). Also, there has now been enough observational humour for post-observational comedians to start making observational jokes about observational comedians and enter the Meta-Michael-Mcintyre zone. I do always worry about anything described as ‘wacky,’ ‘zany,’ or ‘like [popular thing that people enjoy] on acid.’ Because they are almost all, without exception, shit.

Thank you fellow humorist for a generous insight into the world of Dave, and all the best for your next book.

Find out more about Dave on his website

http://www.daveholwill.com

and on Amozon:-

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dave-Holwill/e/B073Q8F175/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1

Kerrie Noor

An Aussie ‘sunning it’ in Argyll

A Little Chortle Never Did No Harm

I decided to enter into chorts.

A comedy competition where you enter a two minute, video of a comic character. I spent ages speaking into my lap top camera- with make-up and without; in the morning and the evening.

I had crazy ideas about my character being so lonely that she called her daughter’s stuffed toys her friends, and bribed the neighbour’s cat with fish. And so poor, that she covered her ‘roots’ with boot polish…and decorate her Christmas tree with Kit Kat wrappers.

Years ago, I tried stand-up and in between panic attacks and bouts of depression I would rise up like a mole from the ground- drive off into the night and mouth my jokes into the wet windscreen. It always rains when you’re heading out in Scotland. Sometimes it was brilliant, other times the silence from the crowd was deafening. I’d look out into the audience and see all these people staring back with a ‘what the hell is she talking about belly dancing, sheep and star fish’?

My sketches or ‘set’ as they say in the Bizz was inspired by my novel, (belly dancing); Kerrie; the early years (sheep). And this zany idea that star fish were full of hormones. Which basically was a joke revolving around me moving my breast for a laugh – a talent from belly dancing.

But then when I think about it perhaps I should stick to writing novels….

And if you want more then click on the link below and see the other aspiring comedians:- www.thecomedycrowd.com/chorts/

keeping it real

Kerrie Noor  http://www.kerrienoor.com

Kerrie’s latest novel  The Downfall of a Belly Dancer is out now on

Amazon :–https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MSOK7X1

Almost a Montage- The Orkneys

Just over a week ago, Emergents sponsored me to travel the length and breadth of Scotland to learn about filming with a mobile in the Orkneys.
 

And for a show off like me this was a dream come true.

I have always fancied a bit of slap stick and now, here was my chance. To get to grips with the iPhone and make fantastic, rip- roaring films that would bring me an audience beyond my dreams.

Make ‘em laugh- I was going to make them slit their sides…

It was a drive and half up north; along a coast that my hubby and I didn’t see because, in my wisdom, I had decided to drive overnight and arrive for the first ferry. We only had two nights and I wanted to explore the island.

We got a ticket on the tour bus and through half shut eyes peered out into the rain at Kirkwall and beyond…Then jumped back on the bus waking only to visit Stromness, for a local beer and soup.

“Do you think that’s a good idea,’ said Hubby, eyeing my pint.

My Hubby is more a tea man.

And with a comment that any wife would be proud of, I downed my pint and threw him a glare. Before I knew it I was staggering through prehistoric stones and villages that made my time living in a caravan look like luxury.

Orkney is a place worth visiting, Kirkwall is as cute as a cup cake. When we were there it was full of tourists from a cruise ship the size of oil tanker. It towered over the other fishing boats in the small bay like a sky scraper in the middle of a field. And its’ cargo filled every tourist spot with Europeans who had no idea that pushing -pissed people of.

The Orcadians embrace these new visitors in a stoical,”let’s make the most of it” fashion.  The shops of Kirkwall and Stromness are geared to tantalized with Orkney arts and crafts and “ye oldie world”streets. The historical spots, (which range from castles to standing stones) are polished and preened, keeping visitors amused even in the rain. And  a noisy Australian ike me, not only quiet but wanting to come back again.

Raining, hail or wind…

The workshop was held in Orkney newly built library- deliciously fill with books which I wish had more time to explore. It looked like the local hub full of community news- sort of like how Lochgilphead’s community centre used to be.

I was so excited when the course started that I laughed at everything, (I don’t get out much). Then when we started interviewing each other…I couldn’t control myself. When it was my turn to interview- I saw my chance, and dashed of one liners stunning my interviewee into silence. My questions had turned into jokes, which I thought was hilarious. Until Bill (we are on first name terms); pointed out that interviewing someone was generally about them and not me…

I took It in the spirit it was meant…

Bill is a great teacher, with an impressive career. His love for technology is only equalled by his love for the people he has interviewed. A journalist who has been all over the world, Bill is still humble enough to appreciate the people who have given him his stories. And listening to him was an inspiring experience.

The others in the class were, like me- female, eager, enthusiastic and full of fun- artist and writers on adventures of creation, and embracing technology.

Rock on sisters…

Avril, Emergents first woman was there, (we’re on first name terms too). She manages all the behind the curtain things that no one notices, neccssary things without which, nothing would run smoothly. She even brought water for the hearing dog of the women.  A dog who was happy to pose, walk and sniff for the camera, and got more laughs than me…

This is my first movie/ montage…

All though not quite up to an eighties Sylvester Stallone montage. I am proud of it.  I should say, all photos were taken by hubby, he is the one who loves to take photos and I am the one who after the first ten “can you stand there please” starts to snarl…

Appologie’s for the abrupt ending, the music was slapped on once uploaded onto Utube, and I haven’t quite perfected the art yet.

BUT it is the beginning of many more…

Shetland here I come.

Kerrie Noor- an Australian abroad

http://www.kerrienoor.com

Kerrie’s latest novel  The Downfall of a Belly Dancer is out now on

Amazon :–https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MSOK7X1