Author: kerriebdross

My First Guest Post -Jeff Gephart

The following is a guest blog post from humor writer Jeff Gephart, author of Accidental Adulthood: One Man’s Adventures With Dating and Other Friggin’ Nonsense.
Read Luagh and enjoy
Kerrie

As most of you know, my girlfriend and I now live together in an apartment. Undertaking this was the most adult thing I’ve done since I started wearing shoes that fasten with something other than Velcro. (Which happened in 2011.) What people don’t realize is that we share a 2-bedroom apartment, with each of us having our own bedroom. Of course we still have sleepovers occasionally, but most nights we each retire to a different room. When this comes up in conversation with others their reaction is generally split along age categories. People our age and younger are aghast–why would we do such a thing? That’s not REALLY living together! Older folks, however, usually brighten and congratulate us on our foresight. You’ll dodge a lot of problems, they say, that other couples sometimes can’t get past. After all, a lot of successful older couples have separate bedrooms, and that can’t be a coincidence.

Why did we make this decision? Well for one, where else would I exhibit my absurdly large collection of Pittsburgh sports memorabilia? She’s a Cowboys fan, and she wouldn’t allow it to be displayed in the common areas of the apartment. Incidentally, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I knew she was a Dallas fan right off the bat, yet I agreed to cohabitate with her anyway, which I think shows an almost superhuman tolerance for another’s faults that speaks for itself. But seriously, a major reason for the independent bedroom situation is that I suffer from chronic insomnia. Medication helps a little, but when a leaf hits the side of the apartment at night, I jump up combat-ready wondering what kind of armored vehicle has plowed into the building. Sleep frustratingly eludes me the way Bigfoot dodges those losers on Animal Planet. And by the way, instead of “Finding Bigfoot” shouldn’t that show be called “Searching for Bigfoot” or even “Wasting Time in the Woods With Other Smelly Dudes”? Because they’re not actually finding anything except pathetic viewers that haven’t had a date since the Clinton administration. But I digress. The point is, we all know sharing a bed isn’t conducive to actual sleep. There’s the constant tossing and turning, the disagreements about room temperature, the not-having-enough-space in the bed–all of which still happen even when I sleep alone.

Ultimately, having our own bedrooms comes down to our basic personality types. She’s fiercely independent and likes having her alone time. And me, well I have an overall shitty disposition. Yeah. I make that rancor monster in Jabba the Hutt’s basement look like Jimmy Fallon. No, but seriously, I’m also dependent on a significant amount of solitude from time to time to keep me sane. I need my own space to retreat to when she’s watching yet another episode of Sex and the City. So, while having separate bedrooms at our age might be unconventional, it works for us. And if what I do seems weird and off-putting to you, hey, get in line behind the hundreds of my Facebook friends who don’t buy my books. I’m past the point of caring what people think. I’m too busy every night chasing that elusive butterfly called slumber.
Check out his website at www.jeffgephartwriting.com.]
Accidental Relationship Vol. III
Accidental Cohabitation

Loneliness Is Not To Be Sniffed At

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Writing a novel can be very lonely, especially if you have no friends about. You can spend all day on your own and in the end, feel completly bored with yourself.
My first novel; Sheryl’s Last Stand was fuelled by whisky, American wrestling and Belly-dancing. Sheryl’s Last Stand is about frustration and hope. At the time, my son was young enough to think American wrestling was great and I was frustrated enough to find men grunting in tights attractive.
It is a book born from loneliness and being close to a bully – who doesn’t quit.  I think we all have someone like that in our past – somewhere. Someone that in the end, you have to escape, just to get your sanity back. And I wanted to tell that story with a comic spin and unlikely heroine.
I first called the novel Nefertiti’s Prodigy because I saw myself as a profound, literary, genius who would soon to be discovered.
“Bit of mouth full,” a client said to me. (I was working in a café at the time) who went on to claim that “women, on the whole- didn’t like mouthfuls.’
I did; considering chocolate, marshmallows and other such gooey things disagree but as he was a good tipper, I kept my mouth shut.  Another great example of the gaping man and woman divide few of us manage to bridge…
I did, in the end, change the title. I got a complaint from a reader about the lack of pyramid pictures and took the hint.  Cryptic it seems doesn’t wash with readers.
Of course, now I am in the middle of trying to finish book three in the Belly dancing and Beyond series and the lack of friends about is getting to me. Wrestling doesn’t do it for me anymore, my son has grown up and is away and I have no one to watch it with.
So now I talk to myself on the computer and put it on U tube…
It is almost as much fun as driving across Scotland in the rain with my good old Sat Nav buddie telling me to turn left at the next roundabout.
Who needs a social life when you have technology and a hoover?
Having fun it seems can be done on your own, with or without a mouthful.
click below for my video:-
 
Kerrie Noor
Belly Dancer of the Clyde and beyond

 

Kerrie is a self published author with two novels and several short stories on Amazon. Sheryl’s Last Stand is the first in her Bellydancing and Beyond series.

A Little Chortle Never Did No Harm

I decided to enter into chorts.

A comedy competition where you enter a two minute, video of a comic character. I spent ages speaking into my lap top camera- with make-up and without; in the morning and the evening.

I had crazy ideas about my character being so lonely that she called her daughter’s stuffed toys her friends, and bribed the neighbour’s cat with fish. And so poor, that she covered her ‘roots’ with boot polish…and decorate her Christmas tree with Kit Kat wrappers.

Years ago, I tried stand-up and in between panic attacks and bouts of depression I would rise up like a mole from the ground- drive off into the night and mouth my jokes into the wet windscreen. It always rains when you’re heading out in Scotland. Sometimes it was brilliant, other times the silence from the crowd was deafening. I’d look out into the audience and see all these people staring back with a ‘what the hell is she talking about belly dancing, sheep and star fish’?

My sketches or ‘set’ as they say in the Bizz was inspired by my novel, (belly dancing); Kerrie; the early years (sheep). And this zany idea that star fish were full of hormones. Which basically was a joke revolving around me moving my breast for a laugh – a talent from belly dancing.

But then when I think about it perhaps I should stick to writing novels….

And if you want more then click on the link below and see the other aspiring comedians:- www.thecomedycrowd.com/chorts/

keeping it real

Kerrie Noor  http://www.kerrienoor.com

Kerrie’s latest novel  The Downfall of a Belly Dancer is out now on

Amazon :–https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MSOK7X1

Almost a Montage- The Orkneys

Just over a week ago, Emergents sponsored me to travel the length and breadth of Scotland to learn about filming with a mobile in the Orkneys.
 

And for a show off like me this was a dream come true.

I have always fancied a bit of slap stick and now, here was my chance. To get to grips with the iPhone and make fantastic, rip- roaring films that would bring me an audience beyond my dreams.

Make ‘em laugh- I was going to make them slit their sides…

It was a drive and half up north; along a coast that my hubby and I didn’t see because, in my wisdom, I had decided to drive overnight and arrive for the first ferry. We only had two nights and I wanted to explore the island.

We got a ticket on the tour bus and through half shut eyes peered out into the rain at Kirkwall and beyond…Then jumped back on the bus waking only to visit Stromness, for a local beer and soup.

“Do you think that’s a good idea,’ said Hubby, eyeing my pint.

My Hubby is more a tea man.

And with a comment that any wife would be proud of, I downed my pint and threw him a glare. Before I knew it I was staggering through prehistoric stones and villages that made my time living in a caravan look like luxury.

Orkney is a place worth visiting, Kirkwall is as cute as a cup cake. When we were there it was full of tourists from a cruise ship the size of oil tanker. It towered over the other fishing boats in the small bay like a sky scraper in the middle of a field. And its’ cargo filled every tourist spot with Europeans who had no idea that pushing -pissed people of.

The Orcadians embrace these new visitors in a stoical,”let’s make the most of it” fashion.  The shops of Kirkwall and Stromness are geared to tantalized with Orkney arts and crafts and “ye oldie world”streets. The historical spots, (which range from castles to standing stones) are polished and preened, keeping visitors amused even in the rain. And  a noisy Australian ike me, not only quiet but wanting to come back again.

Raining, hail or wind…

The workshop was held in Orkney newly built library- deliciously fill with books which I wish had more time to explore. It looked like the local hub full of community news- sort of like how Lochgilphead’s community centre used to be.

I was so excited when the course started that I laughed at everything, (I don’t get out much). Then when we started interviewing each other…I couldn’t control myself. When it was my turn to interview- I saw my chance, and dashed of one liners stunning my interviewee into silence. My questions had turned into jokes, which I thought was hilarious. Until Bill (we are on first name terms); pointed out that interviewing someone was generally about them and not me…

I took It in the spirit it was meant…

Bill is a great teacher, with an impressive career. His love for technology is only equalled by his love for the people he has interviewed. A journalist who has been all over the world, Bill is still humble enough to appreciate the people who have given him his stories. And listening to him was an inspiring experience.

The others in the class were, like me- female, eager, enthusiastic and full of fun- artist and writers on adventures of creation, and embracing technology.

Rock on sisters…

Avril, Emergents first woman was there, (we’re on first name terms too). She manages all the behind the curtain things that no one notices, neccssary things without which, nothing would run smoothly. She even brought water for the hearing dog of the women.  A dog who was happy to pose, walk and sniff for the camera, and got more laughs than me…

This is my first movie/ montage…

All though not quite up to an eighties Sylvester Stallone montage. I am proud of it.  I should say, all photos were taken by hubby, he is the one who loves to take photos and I am the one who after the first ten “can you stand there please” starts to snarl…

Appologie’s for the abrupt ending, the music was slapped on once uploaded onto Utube, and I haven’t quite perfected the art yet.

BUT it is the beginning of many more…

Shetland here I come.

Kerrie Noor- an Australian abroad

http://www.kerrienoor.com

Kerrie’s latest novel  The Downfall of a Belly Dancer is out now on

Amazon :–https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MSOK7X1

 

 

 

Pantomine- It’s Never Too Late To Dress Up

I have been working on a collection of short stories, in between novels. Sometime I find I am in a bit of a block or, like now, overwhelmed with other things.
I have moved from sharing a tiny flat to living on my own with more rooms than necessary and I can’t seem to settle on the long haul of a novel.
The truth is I can’t stop playing house…
For the first time in five years I have my own bathroom and have developed a fetish for pretty soap and wandering around in a dressing gown.  Plotting my novel has been interrupted with trips to Asda, Ikea and Boots. I spend my days enjoying the luxury of a wardrobe big enough to hang a few coats along with more than one shoe, while co-ordinating cushions, candles and those new diffuser bottles, that hopefully don’t spill.
So I went for a quick fix, a short story- A Dame Called Derek, inspired by the few years I performed in a Community Panto.
The real people I met during those years were way more outrageous than I could ever create, but I have given it a good bash.
SLXLM
The Story goes live in a few days but to capture the spirit of Panto I have attached a picture of me (years ago) fulfilling a life long fantasy of being a principle boy.
Living the dream panto style…
MXLLS
Life is too short to share bathroom when you don’t have to and way too short not too feel applause if you want it.
If, like me, you always dreamed of being on stage, then jump into a panto-give it a go. You can cross dress, mime to your favourite song, and crack rubbish jokes…
Grab your dream even if it not quite the way you imagined it.
But just remember to also grab a photo along the way…so you have something to show your grandkids or at least blog about.
Kerrie Noor
Writer of comedy

Wrap up your bunions and try a little walking

I was walking by the sea today. The wind blew my hair into a right bird’s nest as I tried to explain to my other half the reason for writing the Belly Dancing And Beyond series.
‘It’s all about compromise,’ I said. ‘We all think we compromise and blame our partners for being stuck.’
My other half wasn’t listening.
‘Just look at the TV remote.’ I said.
‘What’, he yelled into the wind?
‘You always have it.’
‘But I work in the evening,’ he said.
We plodded past the sewage outlet, past a gull picking at a stray takeaway packet. I told him it was just a figure of speech- an example and then got cross and asked him about the days he wasn’t working. He pretended he didn’t understand and tossed a stone across the waves- the gull followed.
‘I am writing about misunderstanding and cross purposes,’ I said ‘and I am using my experience – working in the takeaway for my next novel, what do you think?’
He looked at his watch.
‘It all about break ups, how we have them over nothing,’ I said. ‘And that is what happens to Mavis and Lumpy in my new novel; they fight over something as stupid as a curry.’
‘Curry is never stupid,’ he says.
‘It’s is not about the curry- the curry is symbolic of bigger things. It’s more about the need to be right and how we destroy things in the name of being right. ’
‘What things,’ he said lobbing another stone.
‘Just things,’ I said, ‘But I can’t really say just now-don’t want to give the plot away.’
He sighed and told me he would be late for work, ‘you’ll have the remote all to yourself,’ he smiled. ‘But you’ll need new batteries.’
I asked him what happened to the old ones and he muttered something about a shaver, ‘you should know,’ he said. ‘You were the last to use it.’ And then he laughed in that annoying –I win you lose sort of way that every attached person hates.
I stared at the gull now perched on top of the barrier; one minute being right is in the palm of your hands and the next, like a good hairdo, it’s gone with the wind.
Kerrie Noor
Writer Of Comedy
SMLXL