An Inteview with Kevin McAllion- Author of Moristoun

Kevin Mc Allion is my author of choice for this blog. His novel, Moristoun was published in 2016 and explores the taboo topic of suicide. It is a novel with many great reviews and has been described as…

‘Creative, funny and off the wall like Terry Pratchett.

‘And a mature Harry Potter set in the Scottish islands …

Pretty impressive for a first book…

Kevin has written and edited for a range of publications, including The Big Issue in Scotland, The Sunday Mail, The Herald, The Scottish Daily Mail and The Daily Record. He also dabbles in poetry, and is working on his second novel.

Kevin has agreed to answer ten thought provoking-head spinning questions that I hope will make your morning coffee bounce with happiness.

Questions you never heard of and may never hear again.

Happy reading…

Question 1:- Kevin- it Looks like we’re heading for a nuclear apocalypse. How would you spend the final day?

First on the to-do list would be to craft some effigies of Donald Trump and Kim Jong- un that I could smash into a thousand pieces with baseball bat. I’d then channel all my positive thoughts and energy into ensuring that Jeremy Clarkson is forced to spend the afterlife working as a taxi driver, eternally ferrying a series of ethnic minorities to their place of worship in a hybrid car. Hopefully, there would still be enough time left to watch a boxset of Nelson’s Column, the criminally underrated John Gordon Sinclair sitcom that gave a greater insight into the workings of a newsroom than All The President’s Men.

You have me chuckling into my decafe…

Question 2:- When it comes to writing, what are the excuses you use not to sit down and write?

In no particular order…
There must be a YouTube monkey video I haven’t seen yet
Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a Come Dine With Me for couples?

I wonder who’s top of the league in Norway…

The new series of Red Dwarf can’t be that bad, can it?

Red Dwarf…wonder what they are up to now?

Question 3:- What teacher inspired you to:

A: laugh in the face of adversity,

B: hide in the face of adversity

or

C: just how to spell it properly?

A: Mr Faulkner, a wonderfully intelligent man who was woefully miscast as an English teacher in a Dundonian secondary school. Softly spoken and well read, he should have been debating the merits of Proust and Dostoyevsky with university students instead of trying to stop unruly teenagers from Kirkton and St Mary’s from setting fire to his classroom. Mr Faulker didn’t last long at Lawside but he made a big impact on me and encouraged my dark and strange sense of humour.

B: There was a teacher called Mr Neeson who was far more suited to the role of instilling some discipline into the misguided youths of Dundee. An intimidating Glaswegian with a guttural voice, he seemed to be a teacher without portfolio and just wandered around without taking any classes, exuding a sense of menace. The shoulders of Mr Neeson’s suits were flecked with dandruff but nobody ever dared to point this out to him.

C: I can’t come up with an answer for this one so I’ll just add an amusing aside. We had a PE teacher at Lawside who, without fail, would turn up for work every day wearing a Le Coq Sportif polo shirt. Let’s just say, it’s doubtful any other item of clothing has ever summed someone up quite so succinctly.

I had one of those teachers with dandruff-must be unniversal…

Question 4:- Now, could you please name three celebrities who get on your tits, wick or something similar?

There’s so many to pick from, it’s like being granted access to a buffet breakfast at a five-star hotel. Jeremy Clarkson and Gordon Ramsay are a given but there are so many contenders for that final berth. In the end, Noel Edmonds’ overwhelming smugness irritates me fractionally more than Rory McGrath’s sneering sense of superiority.

Which leads nicely onto the next question…

Question 5:- Please pick the perfect method for torturing Jeremy Clarkson.

I’d work in tandem with a group of Vietnamese villagers to create a giant spear crafted from copies of the Daily Mail. We would then spread-eagle Clarkson at the bottom of a slope and send the giant spear hurtling towards his gaping rear end in a wheelbarrow while Ride of the Valkyries plays in the background.

Can I video that?

Question 6:- Who would you rather see keel hauled, Tony Blair or Margaret Thatcher?

While Thatcher definitely deserves a keel-hauling, preferably performed by the surviving members of a Fife miner’s welfare, I’d take more pleasure from seeing Blair have a close encounter with some barnacles. Thatcher, for all her insidious faults, at least had courage in her convictions and never tried to pretend she was anything other than a greedy, malevolent witch. Blair, on the other hand, was the enemy within and had the gall to masquerade as a socialist. Watching him destroy the Labour Party reminded me of Anakin Skywalker massacring toddlers in the Jedi temple. When Thatcher was in charge we had the choice of electing a progressive government and it was merely unfortunate that a large number of English people cared more about property prices and having a second car than building a fairer society. Thanks to Blair, we now have a political system like America where we are forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. For that, he deserves a keel-hauling more than the Milk Snatcher.

Which leads me gently but firmly on to the next two questions

Question 7:- You’re God for a day. What changes would you make to this planet of ours?

I’d render the internet irreparable. Those born after 1990 would be sent into such a state of shock that anarchy would ensue, sparking a global revolution. People would be forced to speak to each other again and those wishing to read the news would have to buy a newspaper, saving me from a seemingly inevitable kick in the balls from redundancy. Corner shops would report a huge surge in profits as sheepish gentleman empty the top shelves while pets and young children would regain some dignity as their every move would not be filmed for public consumption.

Question 8:- Ok, now you are the devil for a day?

I’d spend the day urging Cliff Richard to get back in the saddle, giving the police something to find on their next raid.

You are a man after my own heart…

Question 7:-  What’s the worst book you have ever read?

I recently read my first self-help book. It didn’t help.

Love that answer

Question 10:- And now what sort of comedy do you find not funny?

Anything that tries to ‘pay homage’ to 1980s TV. Total lack of imagination. There’s something incredibly unedifying about watching Skeletor being wheeled out to hawk car insurance. Leave the poor bastard to watch Bargain Hunt in his living room at Castle Greyskull, he’s earned the right to a dignified retirement.

Thankyou fellow humourist for a generous insight into the world of Kevin, and all the best for your next book.

Find out more about Kevin on his website http://moristoun.com

and

Scottish Book Trust http://scottishbooktrust.com/profile-author/125611

 Kerrie Noor

An Aussie ‘sunning it’ in Argyll

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